i'll be forever thankful for you.

Colin, you are the best boyfriend anyone could ever ask for. you have stuck by me through all this, good and bad. you have been strong for me and our families. you are my best friend, you are my forever. the past few weeks, with me being pregnant and then losing the baby, i have fallen for you even more. i am hopelessly in love with you. you are the father of my child, even if our child didn't quite make it.. you have been a man in this whole situation. i've seen you grow up alot in the past two weeks, and i am very proud of you. you are the love of my life, and i can't wait to see where the rest of our life takes us. <3 i love you Colin William MacDowell.

it is what it is.

so yeah, the blood tests came back. my hCG level that was supposed to be at 50,000, was only at 22 last night.. and dropped to 14 today. i am having a miscarriage. i feel so angry, so upset, so helpless, so.. depressed. i never imagined this would happen to me, getting pregnant at an early age, and then losing it? all i keep saying to myself is 'everything happens for a reason' and 'God has a plan'. i just wish i knew why his plan had to hurt so bad..  i know that i have another guardian angel up there, watching over mommy & daddy. they say time heals everything, i guess i'll just have to see. <3 
you're in God's hands now booboo.

mommy and daddy love you little angel, <3 

tearing me apart.

i found out i was pregnant on September 10th and 11th, 2011. i told my parents, and friends.. everything was going great. i was excited, so was Colin. then the 19th i started cramping up, really bad. i could barely move they hurt so bad, and when i went to the bathroom, i figured out i was bleeding, but it was pink. i told my mom and everything was okay, pink isn't always bad.. then a little bit later i went to the bathroom again.. i saw red. my heart went straight to my throat, i was trying so hard not to cry. i called for my mom, and told her we had to go to the hospital.. there is where i learned that (if my calculations were right) my hCG level wasn't at all where is was supposed to be. assuming i am around 5 weeks, my level should have been at 50,000.. but it was only at 22. today, i will be going to the hospital to get more blood drawn, and if my levels have risen, then i will have a doctors appointment tomorrow. but if they are the same, or decreasing than there is a very high chance that i won't be able to carry.. i don't think Colin, or I could have helped this.. it is what it is. but it's tearing me apart. i know God has a plan for all three of us, i just hope and pray that his plan is to my likings, Colin's and the rest of my friends and family. never lose faith in God.. 

Mommy loves you Sprinkle.. <3 <3

hopeless dreams..

i've gotten to the point, where i can't even explain my feelings. i can't tell you how much i love you, because it's off the scale.. but i can't tell you how much you upset me either, cause unfortunately that's off the scale too. the pointless fighting, the harsh words, the pushing, the in each others face.. i don't like it.. in fact, i hate it! you are my love, i want to be with you for my whole life.. but i can't be with you like this for my whole life. i can't do the whole "bad relationship" thing until i'm 89! please, "lets just stop, remember what we got. before it all gets lost.." i love you Colin, <3 lets just make things better, i want the good things back.

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wzvUpUK_IXw&playnext=1&list=PLA45C510F1BED47AE

i don't understand.

i don't understand why we fight like we do. i don't understand why we put each other through the shit we do. i don't understand why you do the things you do. i don't understand myself, either. you are my bestfriend, my love. you are everything to me, but the fighting is not. i wish one day could go by, without us having second thoughts. i'm in love with you, but do you feel the same? it feels like you do, but sometimes i'm not sure what you feel anymore. we've been through the works, and i wouldn't be able to stand to lose you. i wish things could magically get better. but wishing isn't gonna work, and neither is magic. i wish that i could be more that i am for you. i want you to be able to look at me, and not see shame, or regret. i wish you wouldn't do the things you know upset me most, or at least try. even though we make each other angry, and feel like shit. even though we break each others hearts, i love you, and nothing will ever change that. <3